I’m tearful and grumpy, having mild panic attack symptoms and banging my fist on my desk until it throbs.
Why? Because I am scared. Not just fretful, no; I am truly, madly, deeply scared. Right now, it would be more efficient to list the things I am not scared of. This current crisis stemmed from an email I received yesterday from my publisher. He wants a photo of me to put inside my book.
Please, forgive me. I know I should be cart wheeling around the grass outside, caught up in the sheer rapture of being able to say “My publisher e-mailed me” and underneath this blind panic that does still give me obscene amounts of joy. But the prospect of having a picture taken is bad enough, without it being in my book.
I’m not even sure I should be blogging about this. Does this come under the category of ‘things that a soon-to-be-published writer shouldn’t talk about’? Probably, but I am keen for all of you to see all parts of this journey, not just the glamourous exciting bits. Many of you have been here when I’ve doubted whether I’d ever get a contract, when I went to pieces at the news of a friend getting published, all the ugly bits. Why not this too?
I am also harbouring a secret hope that you’ll have the answer to this problem.
The photo is just a trigger here. Whilst sunning myself in the oppressively humid land of “Please, please don’t make me have my picture in my book”, I am also being conveyed to “Holy crap my book is going to be out there in the world and read by people I don’t know-sville”, with a brief stop off at “Everyone will hate my book and I will never be able to write again.”
Lovely tour, wouldn’t you agree? And in the background I am so furious with myself for being panicky about this. After all, this is my life’s dream come true, isn’t it? This is what I craved for so long it soaked into my skin and perfused my bones, isn’t it?
And now I’m ruining it all.
Wow. I am bad company today. Sorry about that.
One picture. Is it that bad? Well, yes. As my university friends would confirm, I ran a mile when the camera came out. I think there are a handful of photos of me from that time. The only time I have voluntarily had my picture taken in the last ten years was at my wedding, and that was only because it was my wedding day, and people thought it was important.
It’s not just a camera shy thing though. This is much deeper. I literally wept at the thought of my picture in my book. I don’t want people to see me. I want them to get transported to post-apocalyptic London. I want them to root for the characters and worry about whether they’ll be ok. I don’t want my mugshot there to spoil that.
Is that a logical assumption? No, of course not. There isn’t the tiniest mote of logic in any of this. It’s pure, unadulterated neuroticism, that’s all.
Move along people, no sanity to see here, move along.
I don’t want me to be associated with my book. I think that’s a big part of it. And seeing as I wrote it, and seeing as I will be promoting it, that’s a bit of a tricky one, isn’t it? As I said to the lovely Tony Noland last night on Twitter “I prefer to be consumed in text form.” My book, this blog, my words – that’s what I want people to see. Not my face. Oh God not the face!
It’s not like it’s an unreasonable request. I’ve read tonnes of books with the author’s picture inside, or on the back cover if they’re really famous. Has it spoilt my enjoyment of the book? Not at all. All I’ve ever thought is “Oh, so that’s what they look like.”
It took me months and months to change my Twitter picture from that of a lightning bolt to that of my face. That was hard, but I did it. But that picture isn’t high enough resolution to use for the book, which means I have to have one taken specially. I knew that was going to happen, but much in the same way as one knows that one will ultimately die. It’s horrible, unavoidable, but a long way away, right?
Wrong. The publicity machine is being warmed up for me now, and I have to show up and do my bit. I suspect a picture of me hiding behind my book won’t suffice. Neither, I fear, will me hitching up my skirts and running off into the Somerset countryside, sobbing hysterically.
The weird thing is, I am really looking forward to the book launches. I plan to have one in London, one in Bath and one in Manchester, as my primary social networks are based in all three. Big parties, exciting plans for fun stuff for people to enjoy – that I simply cannot wait for.
But having my picture taken? I would rather have a blood test. And for a needle phobic, that’s quite a statement.
It is simple love, you get the wonderfully talented Icy Sedgwick to come down and take your photo. She will certainly know how to make you feel comfortable… and if so, get an arty one which doesn’t make for a “full-on-poodle-sucking-on-a-lemon-portrait” that are in some dust jackets. Make it a photo you would be happy with (I know, I know – no photo would make you happy!)
Own this wonderful opportunity to push your boundaries, rather than letting it own you. Make it what you want of it, so you can say “I’ve done it” and your publisher can also say “I’ve got it.”
Don’t let your fears trip you up again lovely… you’ve fought too hard, and you’re far too talented to let this trip you up. Now to win lotto to be there at your book launch as promised last year??
This is when someone like Annie Leibovitz would come in so totally handy. I hate having my picture taken too. I think the trick will be to find a photographer who understands and can work with you. Kind of like those dentists who specialize in scardy-pants patients. Surely there is one especially for camera shy authors?
) But then we would miss your lovely face.
Burkas.. suddenly make a bit of sense.. Perhaps you could temporarily convert just for the pic?
It’s simple. Wear a motorcycle helmet.
In one step you are transformed from respectable English tea-drinking author to post-apocalyptic she-vixen streaking across the radioactive landscape on her chicken-dung-powered trailbike. Or whatever you want to be, behind that visor you can be anything.
Oh, Emma, I’m glad you took the courage to write about this (and shoulds & oughts can fly out of the window as far as I’m concerned).
Getting it out in the open is part of the process of resolving it, as we agreed earlier on Twitter. I have just written a post called “Kindness and sanity: Finding ways through anxiety” that, although it doesn’t go into specifics this time, does go towards outlining a general approach and which may be of help in the meantime.
Big hugs xx
Em, as a fellow cameraphobe I can well understand how you feel, I only ever feel comfortable taking the pictures, not being in them; hence my Twitter/Blog avatar.
It’s a bit of a difficult one, is this, the problem being that, from your avatar and the video someone posted of you at the Bristol social media event I can’t speak as someone who doesn’t know what you look like. Gawd, that makes me sound like a stalker! Aw, you know what I mean! With my novel-buyer’s head on though, it doesn’t bother me one bit whether there is an author photo in your book or not – had I no incling what you looked like I, like you, would look at the pic and think, “Oh, so that’s what she looks like,” nothing more than that.
May I tentatively suggest having something done in a tasteful cream or light sepia rather than full colour? I’ve sen this done in a few novels I own and I’ve always thought it makes for a really nice photo, and isn’t too in-your-face; lessens the impact of the pic, if you see what I mean.
Also, if it helps, I can be there to virtually hold your hand if you need it.
Sadly I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to any of your book launch parties, unless you have a sudden desire to hold one in the North *cough* hint, *cough* though I will be there in spirit.
I hope that helps and makes at least some sense – I’m not doing too well on the making-sense front today.
Emma, I’ll second Jodi’s comment that you’ve worked too hard to let this last bit stop you. I have a couple of suggestions about the picture though:
1. I know others have said this to you, but do have a picture taken by a pro. I’ve had headshots done by professional photographers, and the process is *so much better* than with a friend or family member. It’s more relaxing and the picture comes out much better.
2. This one might be a be weird, but what if you make it so the picture looks nice, but doesn’t look like your day-to-day self? Change your hairstyle, take off the glasses, etc. It would give a little distance between “Emma the author” and “Emma the person”.
No matter how you work it, I think you’ll do well. This is well within your capabilities, if somewhat outside your comfort zone.
I know just where you’re coming from. In fact I actually ducked out of it. The worst thing for me, though, was a radio interview. I hate being the centre of attention. I ‘bricked’ it all the way through.
I’d like to riff on Tony N’s suggestion and propose dressing in character – as someone who might be a supporting character in the story or an omnipotent observer. Or as the Author, with a capital ‘A.’
Alternatively – wonder if you could take a professional photo and have it transformed into a stylized graphic design – ala the Obama ‘Hope’ poster (publicized during his campaign – I think the artist will do this – or there’s a software widget that will do this for you) or an Andy Warhol graphic – in the style of the book’s jacket art.
If you play a little with the concept of ‘portrait’ maybe the process will be less frightening.
I feel your pain. I run screaming when the camera comes out. There are very few pix of me in existence and my family can attest to the fact that my picture is not to be taken. Period. End of discussion. As a writer this dilemma has crossed my mind as well, and I have no idea how I’ll deal with it when the time comes. There are still novels out there where there’s no picture of the author anywhere on or in the book, right?
Oh, Em! You poor thing. I think you’re so pretty!
You make me ashamed for being such a vain thing, actually. When I got my acceptance on my my debut book (this is my first go as well) I spent the next 20 minutes sketching out what I was going to wear in the photo and where I was going to buy it. I so seldom get to buy nice clothes for myself I was glad of the excuse. (I also have a brilliant photographer friend, and I’ve just got done losing 70 lbs. )
Everything else about putting myself out there and talking to people, and marketing and general schmoozing? Yeah. TERRRIFIED. I’m so scared of rejection and I have a horrible fear of talking to strangers.
Maybe it’s a polar-opposite thing. You seem very willing to put yourself out online and talk to whack-a-dos like me on twitter, but you’re afraid of the first impression you’ll make.
I, on the other hand, wish I could just send my headshot into the world and make HER do all the work for me. *sigh*
I seriously went thru this just two weeks ago. I am also a first time author and my publisher wanted my photo. After i calmed down from my panic attack I called a friend whom I trusted very well. We went to a park in the daytime when few people were there. We discussed my comfort level (No body shots, no teeth shown in smile) then I let my guard down and let her have at it. While I am still terrified at the thought of people seeing my picture, at least I have the photo shoot over with. I think using my nest friend worked better for me than hiring a professional.
Hi Em,
I am another photophobic person & have run my entire life from the camera, but I love to take photos, must be one reason why.
My first impression upon seeing your photo on Twitter was, “Oh my, she is attractive, wish I could look that way in photos.” (No Lie!) You do photograph well.
But, I know that doesn’t alleviate the anxiety. I have done many of the things mentioned above. My latest technique is head shots only, with dozens and dozens taken, to try and get 1-2 I will accept. It really has helped to have someone who knows what they are doing, getting good poses and especially the different types of photos mentioned above – different angles, artsy poses, more interpretive type stuff. I have seen many writer photos like that – more of a suggestion of a photo of the author than a full-on mug shots.
Good luck to you, and I know whatever comes out will be great. I send you strength and peace to get through the photos.
I’ve seen your picture. Not to worry. Your beautiful. And from what I’ve read here over the last couple of months, inside and out.
Good luck! And congrats on the up coming book release!
Wonderful comments on the photograph but I would have said that many of your anxieties about your book and how it goes are being focussed on the photograph. It isn’t about how you look or where you come from but the book is you, all that you have put into it and there are many fears and anxieties as you say tied in with that. In ways it reminds me of when someone who has trouble conceiving finally becomes pregnant, they can feel so many emotions, fear, guilt (at having triumphed where others didn’t) worry about the child and depression at feeling so confused and down when something wonderful has happened. This is a big moment for you, it is perfectly reasonable and acceptable to feel the way you do, accept your feelings, be kind to yourself and do the photograph when you can.
Send in a picture of Alexander Orlov the king of the meerkats, see what response you get, Simples. Honestly though hun I think your profile pic here is a great one to use. Anyway, you think you have a problem? I understand where you’re coming from, but me, hey I have to wear a brown bag over M’head before my missus even lets me into the bedroom.
I hate all photos of me, too. I get this fear. But let me chime in on the “you’re beautiful, inside AND out.” That is completely true.
And you’ve gotten some very good suggestions here, too. 1. Professional photographer. 2. Develop a persona (dare I say costume??) that gives you a bit of separation between personal/professional life. 3. Do a bit of planning for the photo like Monica did. I mean, make it an event, go shopping, have a spa day. Use this as an opportunity to celebrate your well-deserved success. 4. Black & white or sepia tones in a photo are sophisticated and artful.
Just don’t be afraid to be the wonderful, lovely person you are. When the world “out there” sees your picture, they’ll think, “Cool. So that’s what she looks like.” And then they’ll come to love your writing like all of us do.
I’m so proud of you. I’ll be at your book launch in spirit as well, cheering the whole time.
Enjoy the ride, dear Em. You’ve earned it.
All the mugshots of authors on their books are years out of date – why don’t you go for that? A teenage photo? Something from your childhood? Considering this is a young adult novel it might be quite fitting. Or photo-shop one of the few existing photos into something black and white or sepia or so. Make it to fit the novel’s post apocalyptic environment – that would work! Just be different. Anybody can send in a photo! X
Ohhh, poor you. Totally sympathise about the photo as I entirely dislike having mine taken and avoid the camera wherever possible.
Some great suggestions above (I particularly like Sam’s of having a sepia pic) so I won’t offer much else – other than to say that I too think you should really go to town on the clothes with all the gorgeous velvets and brocades that are in your ‘wish list’ cupboard.
If all else fails, why not a ‘Mata Hari’ look with beautiful fabric provocatively draped across your face? But I jest – there’s no need for that. As others have already said, you have a lovely face!
It’s such exciting news about the book launches – I hope I’ll be able to make at least one of them (if I’m invited, that is) and that you let us know as soon as the dates are fixed. I wouldn’t want to miss them for the world. I’m very much missing my weekly podcasted ‘Zane fix’ and would love to be there for his re-birth into print!
While it may not be the best “promo” move, there’s also the option of saying to your publisher that you’re just not comfortable with having your photo in the book. Lots of authors don’t, and honestly I don’t pay much attention.
(Note: This might be terrible advice since I’m somewhat face-blind. If a friend changes her hair style I’m likely not to recognize her. The chances that I’d pick my favorite author from a crowd after seeing a headshot is close to nil.)
I had a pretty bad case of person-author-work anxiety when my novel was released last year. Most of the people know me as Katherine-who-is-an-author. Suddenly, they were celebrating my being published by buying my book…and reading it! What if I became Katherine-the-crappy-author in their eyes? Eventually, I realized an important thing: I like the book I wrote. I would recommend it to other people the same way I’d recommend other books. (Okay, I know an inordinate number of computer engineers whom I wouldn’t recommend a turn-of-the-century ghost story to, but they’re sweet for buying it anyway.) Stand by your work; you know it’s good.
I got over my terror of going to the dentist by finding a dentist who specialised in patients who were terrified of the dentist. It made me feel less scared, and more in control. I’m sure there must be photographers who do the same thing. There’s someone out there who will make the whole thing feel a whole lot more natural than you could imagine. You might even like the photo too
Thanks for sharing your fears. It’s good to get the whole journey, warts and all. But you’ll be fine, honestly you will.
I have taken only a handful of decent photos in my life. For some reason, the camera doesn’t show the real me — the me I see in my mind. Instead it shows a variety of unfortunate genetic resemblances to a weak-minded uncle I don’t care for, a deceased (and sorely missed) grandmother, and a male (!) cousin. I would have preferred to see in those photos a glimpse of the dramatic side of my mother, dark shiny tresses rather than this bland frizz, and the fire I feel inside that I wish I could approach the world with every day. No such luck.
I think your readers are right. It is the picture taker that is important. That is who you are responding to when any misrepresentation occurs. I say hire a professional and when you look at the camera, imagine you are looking at your best childhood friend, while playing statues in the grass on a perfect summer day, with all your lives ahead of you and the knowledge that someone knows the real you and likes (loves!) what they see.
Then smile.
I would just say no. Really. The author photo will not make or break your book. Regardless of the deep-seated issues, if you aren’t comfortable with it, and it’s obviously ruining your enjoyment of your book, just say now.
I’m reading Stephen Baxter and China Mieville. Neither book has an author photo.
Just. Say. No.
From one neurotic to another
I agree with all the comments above – step by step you CAN get this done. I thought that rather than giving you a pep talk, i’d come at it from the angle of a reader … I am a very visual person. I learn and appreciate and understand things visually. If i am reading a book and can’t find a picture of the author – i know it may sound a bit odd – I really feel removed from the book. I need to look the author in the eyes periodically as i’m reading a book in order to … i don’t know … in order to know that what this person is writing is coming from their heart and soul. I know it sounds strange, but that is my reality. Including your photo in your book will not remove them from the scene that you’re trying to set, but it will make you, and therefore your book, seem all the more real to the reader 
ps I know that this is ironic coming from a person wearing sunglasses in her twitter avatar … i hope to fix that soon 
Maybe you could hide (psychologically) behind a prop. Something related to you, like maybe a big mug of tea?
I don’t think you ever ran a mile from the camera at university.
Merely far enough to hide behind the nearest solid lead-based object.
In fact, did you ever run a mile at all?
In years to come, people will recognise the true danger of the radioactive beam that is emitted from a camera lens. You’re just ahead of your time, that’s all.
Wow. I want to make a tiny doll for each one of you and wrap it in my heartcloth. There’s some wonderful advice here, and a lot of love, thank you. The panic has faded into quiet determination to both face my fear and find a way to be fabulous whilst doing so. Hell, we all have to have goals, right?
I will keep you posted xx
Oh and I forgot to say to @Tim – I did so run! I ran towards the Pimms in the summer and towards the chocolate all year round I’d have you know
And @Diana, your advice was so, so beautiful, thank you x
But why?!? Your avatar shows you to be an absolutely lovely woman!!
Ok – do this – take it on as a challenge, have a spa day, get all dolled up and make sure that you have a photographer that really knows what they are doing!!
But between you and me the only things you really need are the challenge part and the photographer.
I know this feeling – since I’m living it every day right now. I’ve had professional shots done before and it can be a breeze but I HATE having my photo taken.
I don’t like offering advice, but what I’m doing with everything that sets off a panic attack at the moment is looking at the thoughts behind it, and then the thoughts behind that.
So “I don’t want to be photographed” is hiding “I need people to think I’m attractive/intelligent/sexy” or whatever it is. Then I look at that need. It sounds kooky or weird or a bit woo, but it actually works. When you work out what it is you’re really thinking underneath, it’s like a breath of fresh air.
Hi Emma. I have some privacy issues too, although not for fear of having photos taken of me, so I kind of understand your hesitance.
I like Tony’s advice but I’d say Merrilee has the best advice for you: if you’re so uncomfortable with it, talk to your publisher. I don’t think the lack of a picture will lower your sales.
Your writing can stand for itself!
Determination is good! Use it to keep your personal integrity as well. You can work on the photo phobia in time.
There are some brilliant comments here. I’m really happy you’re beginning to find a way through it – and whatever you decide, I hope everything to do with the book launch is something you can enjoy as much as you can
xx
(I ended up taking down my post for reasons I won’t go into here, but essentially it was the foundation to what Joely said in her comment: Looking at the thoughts behind something, then the ones behind that, until you get to the core issue. I have done this for myself several times now, and it really works; it’s what I want to be able to offer others, in time and as I find a way to communicate it).
I have no real advice except maybe this: Think of it like a shot….. once it’s over you KNOW you’ll feel better having it done & over with!. We all love you for who you are and so will everyone who meets you. You are kind, compassionate,witty and wonderful. Since most readers never comment, there is probably at least a dozen people who feel as we do for every one of us who did comment. You are lovely inside & out… share the wonder that is you with the world and it becomes a better place!!
I’m thinking back to the earlier comment that perhaps the anxiety concerning the photo is somehow related to a fear that the book will not be well received and there will be some sort of public ritual humiliation based on that. In opposition to that point of view and as being the person who’s publishing 2oYL, I have probably read the manuscript as many (or more) times as anyone else as we moved it through the editorial process. The most gratifying realization that came out of that process for me is the fact that the book proved to be ever compelling with all the deft touches that made it hang together even better every time I read it. A book like that . . . sure, that’s the kind of book you want to read but, for sure, you thank yourself every day that you’re the lucky guy who gets to publish it.
Emma: Picture or no picture or, as a suggestion above, a picture with a motorcycle helmet on, it’s all up to you. I do know, however, that when it’s all said and done that your readers are going to want to see the writer who created such a epic story of friendship, loyalty, mystery, and more that had them so willingly transport themselves into the 20YL world.
[...] you can see, I had the photo shoot, and I have to thank you all again for the group therapy you gave me when I wibbled out about having my picture taken. It really did help. I got my head together at about the same time the opportunity to have some [...]