Progress on all things bookish has stalled over recent weeks, what with crazy short story competitions and a new business venture, there hasn’t been much room in between. But if I’m completely honest, I let my guard down and fear crept back into the house like a cat burglar.
I feel like I am the poor soul upstairs who has heard a sound in the night and woken fully alert, ears straining for another noise to confirm their suspicion. How could fear have got in? I locked the house up didn’t I? I felt fine a few weeks ago didn’t I?
Now I look, I see the cracks in my security. Firstly, I had that query letter critique from the Editor Unleashed forum. It was a great experience, as it told me two important things: never mention a trilogy in a query letter (that was an eye-opener) and that a rewrite was necessary. Getting the query letter to that stage was hard enough, and facing the process again shook me up.
Then the constantly gorgeous Kate came to stay and was kind enough to let me think out loud about the query letter as we walked through the dying Somerset town in which I live. Thankfully, she asked me to give her a run through of the book, which I did clumsily, and then she exclaimed “Oh! So it’s a mystery! I never got the sense of that at all from the draft query letter.”
Bingo!
Disco!
Damn!
So since that key moment when I realised that I had approached the query letter in all the wrong ways possible, I have just clammed up. My writer self is like one of those tiny creatures clinging to the sides of rock pools I used to look in as a child. Slowly, slowly it unfurls its little tendrils in the water, but just one prod (usually with a stick from a curious child) and all the tendrils are sucked back in tight and it hunkers down, waiting for the terror to pass.
I woke early to try and tackle this stagnation. I realised I need to see my book from the outside in, so I am starting with a chapter outline (some publishers are requesting them now). When that’s all in one place, I’ll extract out the main threads of the mystery that drive the novel to boil down for the new query letter, and I’ll also have the framework for the dreaded synopsis.
Only thing is, when I sat down to do it, I read my first chapters and hated them.
It may be madness to admit that here, in the open, where prospective agents and publishers may come one day, but I have to say it. And I can say it because I am aware that right now, in this tight, fearful moment, I am the worst judge of my work in the world. Of course I hate it. This is my fear shape-shifting into something else; into the ultimate skewed critic. What a cunning tactic; convince myself that the book is so bad there’s no point in sending it out there. Shifty little bugger.
So now I am here, sitting bolt upright in my house, knowing that fear is ransacking below and taking away all of the things I love and have fought to own. Do I stay in bed, duvet up to chin and hope it’ll leave soon?
Hell no! I’m angry now! I’m picking up my wooden Kendo bokken, placed near my bed for just this occasion, and I am going downstairs to face this burglar!
Being an author – a published author – isn’t just about persistence in terms of sending out queries despite the rejections. It’s also about persisting despite these dark moments in ourselves when the internal saboteur whispers limiting thoughts. It’s persistence in the face of self-doubt, persistence in the face of fear that bludgeons in one moment and whispers seductively in the next.
Just like an explorer crossing the Antarctic when foul weather sets in, all I can do now is focus on putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll summarise one chapter at a time, until it is done. Then I will review the factual content and inject the feel of the book back into each chapter summary. Then I will move on to the next task, on and on, one foot in front of the other, until it is done.
It’s me or the fear, and I must prevail. Otherwise, my friends, this would be a poor heroic tale.
Sorry you’re having a tough time of it.
Love the image of slogging across the Antarctic in a storm. One thing I’ve learnt from doing this for a while is that, in the end, the storm passes and you find yourself frolicking about on warm, Mediterranean beaches, having a wonderful time. So keep your beach towel handy.
It’s an odd kind of life when you think about it.
Graham Storrs’s last blog post..May The Fourth Be With You – Again
Persistence and talent are the two requisite ingredients for becoming a published author. You have the latter (in spades, from what I can tell) and acquiring the second rapidly. I think the hallmark of persistence is the ability to learn from rejection, revisit your work, and revise – again, again, and again. And if you return and hate what you’ve written, you’ve learned and will persist to making it better. I’m with you there… just keep keeping on. Peace, Linda
Linda’s last blog post..Does Anyone Else Feel that Bittersweet Twinge
@ Graham – it *is* odd, isn’t it? Thanks for the sympathy, especially when I’m being such a Big Girl’s Blouse about all this. And the towel is packed – *everyone* knows that a beach towel is one of the most important things to pack, after all…
@Linda – thank you for such kind words. And that just about sums it up, doesn’t it; keep on keeping on.
This ebb and flow seems to be a hallmark of creative life.
I am usually in love with my work a) when I start, and b) when I finish. I often can’t stand to look at it a) in the thick of it, and b) about a month after I’m done with it. It’s better for me to move on and not look too closely for a few months. After all the editing is done and I’ve made my final decisions, that’s the end of it for me.
After a time, I can stand to look at it again without wincing.
Diana’s last blog post..“DRINK ME”
You might find it helpful to have a look at Virginia Woolf’s diaries which chart the emotional turmoil that accompanies the writing process. There’s one volume called ‘A Writer’s Diary‘ which selects all the relevant bits. Seeing someone else go through exactly the same process can help you come to terms with it.
Jason Weaver’s last blog post..Baby vs writing
this sounded all too familiar, emma! funny how you can be on top of the mountain one minute, then completely under it the next. but you’re definitely a few steps further along the publishing journey, and the fear is all part of it. hopefully i will remember that the next time the creative bogie gets to me!
j-a brock’s last blog post..Getting stuck
Oh Emma,
What a gorgeous, gorgeous post! I know only so well that experience of the “ultimate skewed critic” turning my perception of every thing I have ever done into total crap!! I often tell my students that “You have no capacity to judge your own work” but I often forget that when it comes to me!
And i don’t know what a Kendo bokken is but the sound of it made me wish that I had one. You can never have too many props and weapons in the ongoing battle with the voice of the critic.
I salute your heroic journey through the deep, dark waters of your inner Atlantic journey. And I know that you will prevail one step at a time. Thank you for being a beacon and a lighthouse for the rest of us!!
chris zydel’s last blog post..Creative Miracle Grow: The Crazy Wonderfulness That Can Happen When Someone Believes In YOU!
Thank you for the kind words, it’s so good to hear from people – especially after being inept in public!
@ Diana – that’s strangely reassurring – though it is horrible for you!
@ Jason – I will check that out, thank you.
@ j-a – yeah, funny – especially in retrospect! I wish I could carry these lessons with me – but perhaps they weigh too much and I can only pull so much across the frozen wastes.
@Chris – A Kendo bokken is a heavy wooden practise sword, used when doing Kendo training which I loved at uni then gave up. The bokken remains, by my bed, just in case…
Well! I’m not at all worried about you, Emma. Anything is possible in this world especially now that you’ve the awesome power of a Kendo bokken with you.
I’d be feeling invincible too if I had something similar.
Cheer up. Shake it all off and confound us with your God-given gifts. I know you can. “,)
jan geronimo’s last blog post..Grow Your Blog’s Reach By Guest Posting
Hey that’s a good point Jan – how can I be scared with one of those in my hands?
I will shake it off, it’s inevitable. The sun sets, the sun rises and my feelings about writing change. It’s natural.
Emma, this is a wonderful heroic tale, beautifully, eloquently, powerfully told. In my not-so-secret life as a publisher, I’d love to get a query letter as entertaining and honest as your blog post.
Keep on keeping on . . .
Love, Hiro
Hiro Boga’s last blog post..On creativity, bees & flying fruit . . .
When I read your post, I feel like I am reading a good novel. It is very well written.
Sometimes, it takes anger to overcome fear. Embrace the anger and face the fear. The bokken can help you. But me, I prefer a lightsaber.
May the force be with you though.
Hiro! Wow, I’ve been quietly admiring you for some time now, I’m thrilled you dropped by, thanks! If only I could write a query letter that didn’t have to satisfy so many rules and formalities and invisible hoops. Gah!
@Lucrecio – thank you, that’s high praise for an aspiring novelist! You’re right, sometimes I do get so damn angry at myself for having been stuck for ages that it breaks me out of the swamp. One day, I may find a way to do it without anger or coercion, but that day isn’t here yet….