I haven’t posted for a few days. Yesterday I wrote most of a post about publishing, but today I was unable to complete it and put it here. Just like the few other times this week when I have come here to write something and just failed to do so.
So I thought about it and realised that I need to do something that really scares me, but is necessary to get past this point. I need to write a post about not being shiny and sparkly and optimistic. Seeing as the most popular post so far has been all about that, it’s hard.
I need to be honest here. I need to tell you, the lovely people who are coming with me, that for the last few days I have felt fearful and small and not at all like the person who wrote all those other positive, optimistic and bouncy posts.
I’m scared to show this, it’s a pattern I have in the ‘real world’ too. I hate letting people know when I am having a little wobble. I put on a smile and I cover it up until it passes. Only a very select bunch of people have had the (un)pleasure of seeing me when I feel this way.
I realised I had to write about this here, because it was blocking me. And I also realised that I would be being false in some way if I didn’t do this. I’d be crafting a persona that only contains the best bits. But I want to be authentic here. I am trying, for the first time in my life, to really find people who truly understand what this is like, this struggle with manifesting creativity in the world. How can I do that if I only show the happy bits? How can I expect you to be truthful with me in your blogs, if I am hiding these shadowy corners of myself from you?
Damn. Now I feel all weepy. I hate that.
I know this will pass. I had a tiring weekend and being tired does mess with my mood in a disproportionate way. I know that there is a lot going on in my life that is building to a tumultuous change, and I know that I will get through this, one way or another.
But right now, I am filled with self-doubt. Last night I heard that someone that I’ve known as an acquaintance for a few years has just been published and I burst into tears. I never knew he was a writer, let alone a YA fiction writer aiming at the same market as me. Those tears came from a childish, self-pitying, shamefully selfish place. If those tears had voices they would have been whining; “Why can’t my dream come true? Why does it come true for everyone else?” Urgh. I don’t like that part of me, but I think we all have it, deep down in the basement.
I wasn’t going to write about that, but seeing as I’m trying ever so hard to be truthful with you, I’m going to keep that confessional in.
I fear that if I self-publish – or publish independently as Paul commented elsewhere (I prefer that too!) – I will always be looked down upon. That if I do this I’m cheating, that I’m trying to sneak into that exclusive club via the back door, dressing in the same smart clothes as the other authors there but knowing that my clothes are home-made. Strangely enough, I don’t think that of other people who have independently published. Why am I accusing myself of this?
The post I almost finished yesterday is about why being published by the normal route may not be as great as I thought. But it doesn’t change the fact that I still want to be allowed into that club. I am afraid that I’ll post it, then seek a contract, get one and then you’ll all think “Hypocrite!”
I’m scared I’ll think that of myself too. I suppose I am still weaving the story about this around me. Do I write myself in as a rebel against the system, battling The Man and striving against the odds? Or am I the weaselling character in the background, cheating and scheming my way to getting my book out there in the world? Or am I the hopeless self-delusional woman, telling herself a different story about it everyday, to cushion herself against the feeling of failure?
I don’t know. And I am scared. And today, it all seems insurmountable.
But at least I have written something, albeit self-pitying and indulgent. Thank you for staying to the end. Normal service should resume soon.
I hear you. Similar paths, different continents.
I went so far as to work in the publishing industry so as to avoid the gnawing itch to write. I’m still puzzling out exactly what built my stuck.
You’re not alone. My jealous ick is similar to yours. And it’s worse when the jealousy is mixed with arrogance: “Why did she/he get the dream? Particularly when he/she is a crap writer?!”
Yeah, major ick.
On self-publishing … there is an opinion for every person on the planet. If you’re interested in yet another perspective, I have a now-defunct blog for you. It is Naomi-Dumford-funny, painfully honest, and good information. Do with it what you will.
Miss Snark: http://www.misssnark.blogspot.com/
christy’s last blog post..Breaking Your Own Rules
Thank you for your empathy. I feel slightly less grotesque now!
Oh, Emma, I wouldn’t have you be any other way! Multi-faceted is a word used for gemstones! I expect you to have many sides. Would you reduce yourself to one photo chosen only for its encouraging smile?
Show us your photo album, even the ones you delete because you think they are unflattering. That’s where the real knowing someone begins.
Diana Maus’s last blog post..Depression: Making a room with a view, part two
Good job, chick. I promise you, letting us see this stuff makes us love you more, not less. It’s a privilege to be allowed to see your insides. Also, speaking as blog reader, I can tell you that often it’s just this kind of post that I find most helpful and inspirational. We all need to see that the people we love and admire are just as vulnerable as we are; that we *all* hurt and fear, but can kick arse anyway.
I totally know where you’re coming from, though – it scares me to write about this stuff too. What if it’s boring? What if it’s whiny? What if people think I suck? I’m also working on the ability to blog openly and deeply, rather than sticking at the brain level where we you know I feel safest.
Kate’s last blog post..The Dance
Emma, whatever you do, don’t go back to ‘business as usual’! It’s so refreshing to hear an honest voice out here in blogland. Most of us work so hard at building the kind of persona we believe will bring us respect or admiration (or, at least, avoid contempt and derision). The fact is, we’re all weak and selfish, scared and vain – whatever else is in the mix – but so few of us ever have the nerve to let it show. And we would all like the Universe, just once, to recognise how special we are!
I completely understand your feelings about self-publishing. I want my stuff out there too. I want people to see it and acknowledge that it’s good, and it so soooo frustrating that I can’t even get the attention of an agent or a publisher, let alone The World. I often think, ‘damn them all, I’ll do it myself!’ But I know that, if I did, it would always be a Phyrric victory. I would always feel cheated that I wasn’t given my triumph by the proper authorities but somehow counterfeited it – like buying a fake degree from one of those online ‘universities’.
Anyway, if your fiction is as honest and clear as your blog, I am really looking forward to reading it one day!
Graham Storrs’s last blog post..What Is The Future Of Publishing?
Emma,
I have been reading your blog only for some time, and my writing is confined to writing blog posts (more or less regularly). So I won’t be able to contribute much to the question of self-publishing. But I am moved by your courage to tell your readers about the way you feel. I am also a person which tends to hide her weaknesses, who wants to appear strong, efficient, organized, creative. I open myself only to a few chosen friends, where I feel safe. But admitting our weaknesses makes us human!
Ulla Hennig’s last blog post..Blogapalooza
I cannot express how relieved, uplifted and generally lovelified I felt this morning when I found these comments waiting for me. Thank you.
@ Diana – such lovely words. Interesting you make the photo analogy. I have spent most of my adult life actively hiding from cameras (I still do). Maybe that should change too.
@Kate – Thanks chick. I like brain level too. Nice and safe. What strong shields can be crafted by reasoned discussion and intellectual reasoning….
@ Graham – This means a lot to me. I really enjoy your reasoned, thoughtful posts on your blog and was worried that you would be appalled at such navel-gazing. The latter half of your comment has been on my mind all day. I can feel a post coming on about it.. watch this space!
@Ulla – Makes us human, yes, I agree. Yet how interesting that so many of us try to hide that fact – sometimes it feels like society is trying to make us forget that we are human, what with all the etiquette and rules.