You’d think that it would be really easy to blog about winning a competition, but I am finding it surprisingly difficult.
One of the biggest obstacles is the sheer disbelief. I simply cannot believe that something I have written has won a real competition, with a real (and much needed) prize. But it has – look at the announcement over at The Collective Inkwell. I have to go and look at it just to believe this has happened!
This disbelief is nothing new. It took several years for me to actually believe I got a decent degree. Honestly, I was convinced that I would receive a letter one day telling me that there had been some sort of administrative error and that in fact I had failed. Years later, I had to obtain a readers card for the Bodleian, involving a visit to a wonderfully archaic office where I was led to the back of a dark, musty room to have my photo taken. As I sat, I watched a person look up my name and degree in one of hundreds of tomes shelved across the back wall. I literally broke out into a sweat, convinced that the letter I had been dreading had simply not reached me, and that would be the moment I was told about the fail. But no – they even showed it to me. I looked so shocked the woman began to suspect me as a fraud.
That’s exactly what this feels like. It’s utterly bizarre. There’s a nook at the back of my mind housing some crazed individual who is shouting “Are you sure you wrote that story?!” I have to keep shouting back “Yes! You silly old bugger, I did write it! My best mate was sitting next to me at the time watching The Lost Boys. She saw me write it – and heard the very first draft!” But you know, thank crumpets that Kate was with me that evening, else that crusty old fool would be making me doubt even that!
So there you have it. I write a short story, it gets me into university. It scares the hell out of me to the extent I don’t write for ten years. Then the next time I write a short story, it wins me a customised WordPress theme – in the very month I launch my new business and don’t have enough money to get a professional design. What are the odds? All of my family has said “You should write short stories instead!” when I told them the news. Seeing as I am trying to get published as a novelist, that’s… unhelpful. Funny, but unhelpful.
Oh, before I forget, it’s over there on the left, called ‘Seeing Him Again’. And I may not have sounded it so far, but I am so thrilled. Honestly, when I actually believe this has happened to me, you could not find a happier person in Somerset.
I plan to enter another short story competition at the end of the week. You’d think that this win would have made me feel more confident. Hah! Not on your Nelly. I’m so glad I wrote the first draft before I won the CI contest, otherwise I am convinced nothing would be written. It will take a huge deep breath and an extraordinarily large cup of tea to actually enter it.
So, my cherry blossoms, why on earth does this glimpse of success make my inner writer want to hitch up her skirts and run away? Do any of you feel the same way when you get a step closer to your dream?
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Em, if there is anyone deserving of that prize more than you. I haven’t gotten a chance to read the stories yet, but I’ll surely get to it within the next few days and let you know what I think. I’m sure it’s worthy of the $87 Thesis prize.
As most of your writings are this one is beautiful too. I’m happy to RT this one on Twitter.
Dan Miranda’s last blog post..Why You Don’t Need To Read Self-Improvement Blogs To Succeed In Life
Oh, bless you kitten! And congratulations. Getting what you want is bloody scary. Much easier to dream about it from a safe distance. I’ve been watching ‘Billy Liar’ again. He doesn’t get on the train, but you have! Ruddy marvellous!!
Jason Weaver’s last blog post..Immersive reading
PS: I told a few fibs to get my British Library card. It was the third most exciting thing that ever happened to me, but I still think I’m going to get rumbled for it.
Jason Weaver’s last blog post..Immersive reading
Way to go, Emma!
Don’t forget to send us the URL of your new site so we can all admire your prize too!
And don’t worry about the running away thing. If we catch you hiding in a corner, we’ll drag you out again.
Graham Storrs’s last blog post..It’s Official: This is a Top 50 Australian Writing Blog
Fascinating. As Spock would say
Don’t let your fear and doubts hold you back. Trust your instincts. As I said over on CI *four* people judged your entry to be the best of the lot. Not to mention all the others who read and commented.
Are you seriously trying to make out that we’re *all* wrong?
Put it this way; if you were meant to fail you would have.
@Dan it’s more than $87. It’s a customised design as well isn’t it?
That’s absolutely brilliant, Em. And I completely agree… and I can’t say it better than Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? …We are all meant to shine, as children do. …And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (A Return To Love, 1992).
See? You have liberated us all! Go girl!
Elle
Elle (in Australia)’s last blog post..3 secrets for copywriters and marketers
Is anyone else here as fascinated with these Brits as I am?
“So, my cherry blossoms…”
“Not on your Nelly.”
“…bless you kitten!”
“Ruddy marvellous!!”
I want to move to the UK and soak up some local colo(u)r!
Besides all that, I’d give anything to share tea and crumpets with Emma, while listening to “the very first draft” of anything she cared to write.
Emma, I think you could make the grocery list sound interesting!
Congrats!!!!!!
Diana’s last blog post..One enchanted evening
Em, I think this is glorious and wonderful and all manner of things good.
The fear is something I understand all too well. When asked what I fear about good notice of my writing I always answer that if I am successful with one piece, everyone will expect success with the rest of it. Much room for disappointment. But I must tell my own inner curmudgeon to bugger off and that I write because I must and if other people like it, bully for them, but that’s not why I do it thankyouverymuch!
Enjoy this moment.
christy’s last blog post..Putting the “How” in How-To
You won! You WON! I’m so excited for you! Blimey, that’s a shot in the arm then, innit?
I agree with Jason. Getting what you want IS bloody scary. Much more than spiders. (And Jason – on the British Library card thing … well, don’t be too worried, that makes at least two of us.)
Such lovely news, Emma. I’m almost drunk with ‘helium glee’! I’m off to open a bottle of elderflower champagne to celebrate. (And pouring you a virtual glassful now …)
Cheers!
Brilliant! Great story
Well done. Don’t be afraid.
Joanna Young’s last blog post..Stick-To-It-Iveness: Guest Post by Lillie Ammann
Hello Emma
Congratulations on winning the writing contest. Your story is truly magnificent. It grabbed my attention straight away. All the very best.
Paisley’s last blog post..I Want To Do The Right Thing
You all make me feel like a shiny new penny, you really do.
@ Dan, thank you. It means more than that to me monetarily as it’s the design aspect too. It means a hell of a lot more really though – it’s the first time any fiction I have written has resulted in a material reward.
@Jason – you realise that by calling me kitten and then telling me that you have lied to get a British library card is tantamount to asking me to run away with you, don’t you? But seriously, I’m chuffed you understand the fear. (Please, tell me one day you’ll let me know what the two most exciting things were…)
@Graham – Will do, and thanks for being ready to drag me out.
@ Marc – My inner critic and multiple neuroses are excellent at convincing me that everyone else is wrong! But I like the point you make. I recall (hazily) another Spock quote: “You may find that having is not so pleasing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” I think it was quoted at the beginning of a book I read years ago. He might have been right…
@Elle – that is a fabulous quote, and oh so true. What if we are capable of being so much more – we won’t be able to hide away any more! I hope it has given you something – I squirrel away all tales of writing success in my little mental hope chest. Perhaps I have inadvertently made a magic nut for someone else, what a lovely thought.
@Diana – Oh that desire is truly mutual. One day, when I have money, I will meet up with you and we will have tea and crumpets. We shall have such a fine conversation you and I. Then I will catch a plane to Australia, to drink cold beer with Graham and talk about the nature of man and religion. It’s got to happen. xx
@Christy – oh that is definitely a reveal, thank you. Yes… a big fear that one – in fact it happened to me tonight – my Mum had printed out a short story competition for me to enter and talked about it like winning would be easy for me. “I expect you to win it” she said in a cheery way as her confidence was turned into fodder for my fear.
@Caroline – It’s like you floated into my living room and popped and a thousand sparkles burst out! Yay! Thank you! Elderflower champagne – wow, that sounds nice, don’t mind if I do…
@ Joanna – I will try. I’m not promising anything though.
@ Paisley – we were commenting here at the same time! Thanks for stopping by and your kind words. It was a great contest wasn’t it?
I read your story when you tweeted about winning – fantastic work. VERY creepy and alarming. Congratulations!
Tony’s last blog post..Sunlight on the Plaza Below
It’s called ‘Imposter Syndrome’, and is common among graduates and successful women: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imposter_syndrome
I haven’t yet found a way of fixing it but, when I do I’ll let you know
Absolutely LOVE the story!
Jane (who can’t believe she didn’t get sacked from her last job as she was mostly just making it up…)
I’m just convinced the British Library spies are reading your blog. Borstal, here we come!
@ Tony – Thank you, it’s a strange pleasure to know I’ve creeped some people out with my story writing rather than my raging geekiness for a change!
@Jane – Wow, that just blew me away! There was me thinking it was a special little madness all of my own – should have known better!
@ Jason – Only the British Library? Not the secret service too? I must work harder….