Whilst I’m in danger of falling into the huge cliché trap of talking about this at the same time the spring bulbs are breaking through, I feel the need to write about some amazing things that have been happening lately.
Why? Because I’m starting to suspect that this year’s theme is peeping its head over the parapet, and I want to explore it. I do that best in text form…
The last few weeks have tested me – and those trials are ones that I have actively sought out myself. Only yesterday morning I was saying to my husband “Oh why did I arrange to spend the day in Bath with a bunch of strangers? Why do I do this to myself?”
I know the answer why now. It’s because all the trapped, grey and dowdy parts of myself want to keep me closeted away, but the true part of me; the shiny, sparkly beaded and glorious part of me, wants to be back out there in the world.
These two aspects are locked in a battle at the moment, but the sparkly side has had some recent triumphs, and is urging me to write this post.
You remember me telling you about the presentation I did in Bristol? Well, that went up on YouTube today. Me, on YouTube? Honestly, that’s about as likely as me saying “Actually, I’d prefer a wheatgrass smoothie rather than a nice cup of tea.” But it’s there. Real. Live. And I’m telling you about it, even though that timid part of myself is yelling at me not to do so.
And last night I had my first Twitter interview with the lovely peeps behind The Penny Dreadful, a marvellous site that showcases serialised web fiction, and is currently serialising my Split Worlds series. And you know what? I had great fun. Yes, I squirmed awkwardly when I was asked to say something about myself, but when I could talk about my writing it all flowed out like fresh spring water.
And yesterday, in Bath, I spent the day with strangers, co-working in a shared space. Yes, I went to have a scout about the city to see if it was the right setting for the Split World novels (and yes it is, my God it’s perfect), but I also went to be with real people. In the real world.
All morning I hid at one side of the room and only spoke to the one man there that I’d met before. I was the curled up hedgehog of a writer in the corner who was too shy to strike up a conversation. But in the afternoon I remembered how to talk to people, and what was it that lubricated those rusty cogs? Talking about writing…
There’s a pattern here, isn’t there? Well, two actually: one: when I talk about writing, I come to life, even if I am in scary places and situations. And two: I’m coming back into the world.
When I was six months pregnant, my husband had a nervous breakdown.
Whoa! Where did that come from? I wasn’t writing about that, was I?
No, wait, I was – because this coming back into the world has everything to do with when I retreated from it. And that was when it imploded around me, draining the very essence from me. Then I gave birth to my child.
No wonder I was swept into the dark, tumultuous seas of post-natal depression, I had nothing left in me to anchor myself anywhere solid. It has taken so long to sight land, let alone step onto it. But this is what I am trying to do. Last year was all about realising that I am really a writer, and being brave enough to share my words with other people. This year, oh this year is all about coming back into the world – the real world as well as the virtual one.
And it’s so hard. I’m having to take off so many protective layers that have built up around me since three and a half years ago. There are people I used to see every day – people I love and adore and miss desperately – that I am unable to get back in touch with as I am so ashamed of having run away from them. There are activities I want to participate in – in person in the real world – that I shy away from because of these layers.
But I want to see those people again! I want to talk to them, bask in their light, feel the warmth of their brilliance. Yes, it’s time to come back into the world, step by step, courageous act by courageous act. There is no-one holding me back except myself.
By crikey Em, you deserve a pot of tea after sharing that little lot!
It’s great video BTW, I swung by and watched it earlier. You looked very confident stood there in front of all those folks. I’m not sure I could have done that.
I know where you’re coming from with wanting to hide away, I tend towards that myself – I like nothing better than to hide away and write.
Welcome back to the world!
You have certainly been through quite a lot. I can relate to the need to be in a cocoon for a long time and just take care of those closely around you. I am just coming out too and it is comforting to see so many writers going through similar feelings and experiences in life. We have such a gift of the ability to connect with Twitter & through web pages.
It is hard to peel back the layers because with each one, you also feel the vulnerability. I commend your great courage! You are sharing your story and you are getting back out there in the world. And, know there are others here also following a similar path. I wish you strength and peace as you continue your journey.
And, I watched the You Tube video – well done! I enjoyed the descriptions because I don’t know much about speculative fiction – utopia/distonia. Was that the right term?
I think you are off to a bold wonderful world of writing and marketing!
Oh, I so know what you mean about wanting to hide. And about exploring feelings and ideas best in text form – I do that, too.
I empathise about losing touch with people. If it’s any help, last week I took the plunge and sent an email to a friend who’d emailed me in January 2009, having taken a couple of months with their own reply. My own nervousness about having taken so long to reply made for more putting off, until I just thought “Sod it, I’m writing it because I want to write it,” so I did. I have a list of these … maybe about 15 people?!! You’re not the only one with protective layers. It could well be the people you want to be back in touch with have their own layers and their own sense of shame, and would welcome that courage you mention in reaching out again, a chance to undo the layers and reconnect.
Josie
Welcome back. The tea-cosy’s done its job.
Oh, Em, this does resonate! I have been thinking about the real world lately. Before Twitter came into my life, I was seeing people, enjoying walks, reading, talking, traveling…living.
Then, for many reasons, it became more comfortable to stay indoors and enjoy the virtual world. I also started writing again so that was very good. And I “met” lovely people who made me laugh and enjoy our chats.
Recently I’ve realized that a writer, in addition to being a reader, should also be a live-er…of life. Fresh air, old friends, new friends, adventures. All adds to the pot.
You should not be ashamed of contacting the people you ran away from. I’m sure they would understand that you needed to do that then. And I’m also sure that they will welcome you with open arms.
It is hard to take those steps, but it will also be wonderful.
And thank you for being brave enough to share the YouTube “you” with us. It was fabulous!
I too was in hiding for a while.
My experience is that when you emerge, blinking, into the daylight, people are more understanding than you ever expected and are just really glad to hear from you again. I was surprised how many of them were just giving me time and space, and waiting for me to be ready.
Welcome back!!
Welcome back – bit brighter, now you’re here!
Oh Emma you are so brave and honest and wonderful… Thank you for having the courage to share this (and the same to your husband). These things are hard to say but it makes things easier and more possible for others who are going through these… falls
It makes my heart feel good to see you moving into your true colours.
PS your friends won’t mind. If they were true friends, they won’t mind at all x
Thanks for your kindness, solidarity and warmth everyone – Joanna’s comment moved me to add here that I asked my husband if he was okay for me to publish this, as I’m revealing something personal about him too. It just burst out in the writing, and he understood that, so I’d like to thank him publicly for allowing me to be open here, in this safe space that you are all creating with me.
OMG! I had no idea you were such a good public speaker!
In fact it even seems a little out of character. But hey, I’m not complaining. I guess when you level up you get new shiny powers!
Firstly, X.
Secondly, didn’t seem out of character to me at all. There are many different and shiny kinds of each of us that only pop out in certain contexts. I suspect your students will have seen this particular you before, or former colleagues, perhaps.
Such a beautiful post, Em! And wonderful, heart-warming comments!
This will strike a chord with so many people. People who feel alone and without hope. One in three of us will suffer some form of mental health problem, yet it remains such a taboo subject … thank you for writing about it with such honesty.
There is no shame in retreating now and then, when it’s what we need to do. And Joanna is so right, real friends will just be glad to hear from you and know you’re feeling better! I had a horrid bout of depression some years ago so I know how hard it is to reach out again when we emerge from the darkness, but true friends will understand this: “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” ~ Unknown
And they will sing with joy at being able to share your wonderful song with you again.
I loved your presentation! You came across as confident, relaxed and friendly, well done you! x
I watched the clip and loved it! Great work!
We all hear so much about going outside our comfort zone; you’re absolutely taking that to heart, and it’s working wonderfully for you. You have a lot to be proud of here, Emma. The writing and YouTube and all, yes. But the internal rebuilding of your soul is what really matters.
Loved seeing you on the Tube. You are a graceful, entertaining, and lively speaker (pretty too – probably not supposed to say that). And you were talking about my favorite subject—speculative fiction. I especially love dystopian stories, but despite reading science fiction authors all my life, I wasn’t familiar with the term until I heard it from you.
I, too, would love to come out of the woodwork some day, in person; and I’m glad you have made the jump.
Well done Em, for this wonderful post and for the YouTube clip. The sparkly beaded side is triumphant indeed!
Em, I just watched your presentation on You Tube. Well, what is there left to say that everyone hasn’t already said about you.
So many of us can relate to peeling back those layers. I wish there was an easy explanation for what takes us to those dark places, but there is not. That would make life way too easy, wouldn’t it. All we would have to do is avoid those things. Ah, but no, we have to guess our way along to determine what is right for us and what is wrong.
Well, my friend, you have not only done that, but you’ve done it brilliantly. I am so very happy to know you, Em. And it doesn’t matter what world we’re in, you are amazing.
Warmest wishes to you!
[...] Time to Peel Off the Winter Layers There’s a pattern here, isn’t there? Well, two actually: one: when I talk about writing, I come to life, even if I am in scary places and situations. And two: I’m coming back into the world. [...]