It’s been so long since I’ve posted here, I have an urge to get out a duster and start polishing. It’s been a tough few weeks and between two bouts of illness back to back and my husband being away a lot over July, things have fallen apart a little bit here.
I’m still recovering, and trying not to be stressed about all I haven’t done. I got into a bit of a tizz about it yesterday before realising that I am the only person getting upset about the fact that I haven’t posted a story here for a while. A part of me was bludgeoning myself with a big stick, berating me for slipping from my schedule, but I see now that it was absurd. At the worst, some of you may be impatient to know the next part of Mickey’s story, but I’m sure that none of you are sitting there, fuming away and shaking your fist at the screen shouting “That slacker Newman! How dare she not entertain me right now!”
Honestly, the amount of energy I have spent fretting about this over the past couple of weeks is ridiculous, it’s as if I were the CEO of a grand corporation not meeting the expectations of my shareholders.
I forgot that this is fun, something I do out of a passionate love for writing. I forgot that it’s actually more important to get well, then return. Yet again, I forgot to take care of myself.
This is a repeating pattern. I work too hard, I do too much, then my body shuts me down by getting horribly ill. Then I get stressed about the work and writing I’m not doing, take longer to recover, am utterly miserable (and hell to live with) throughout, until I am finally well again.
It’s time to find a different way to do this…
I’m better than I used to be, but, to be honest, life is short and there are so many damn stories in my head to write down. I also have to earn money to keep our house and feed my family, and so what this boils down to is frequent 14 hour days and very, very little time off.
I am currently negotiating with my inner Sergeant Major, trying to explain that being horribly ill for two weeks is not the same as taking time off. He isn’t listening.
I find it hard to relax. No, who am I kidding here? I don’t even know how. Those who have known me for years will be nodding as they read this. I come from a family of ‘doers’ who never sit still for long. I suppose it seeped in over the years as I grew up, like damp through an old wall.
I get a lot done, but there’s no slack in my schedule, so when I do finally fall over, the effect feels pretty catastrophic. I don’t have a solution, I don’t even know why I’m writing about this, but hey, I miss you guys, and it’s been a while since I just came here and burbled. I used to do that, before I started a weekly web serial and weekly flash fiction and all the other crazy things I get up to.
And talking of patterns…
I’ve noticed another pattern too. Earlier in the year I got horribly ill, and that was the week after I did that presentation. I got into a complete state about being seen by people.
And what happened a week or so before this most recent bout? The photo shoot. I thought I handled that anxiety pretty well, but I think it took its toll on some level. I know the vomiting bug was caught from friends we visited, but maybe I would have fought it off if I hadn’t been stressed before, and maybe I would have been able to resist the cold that chased the bug (and still plagues me) if I had been less tired. I don’t know.
So that’s where I am at the moment. Normal service will resume shortly. You don’t mind if I take a few more days off do you? And if you have any idea what I could do to break these patterns, I’d love to hear it.
Take all the time you need. We’re not going anywhere.
I think there is a pattern – I hear it on twitter, when you signal that your body is telling you that it needs a rest. You need to find a way to listen to it. I know that’s easier said than done given economic reality but those notes to self simply do not go away, will only get louder and more insistent.
My only advice, for what it’s worth: be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself.
Glad to see you moving about a bit again.
I’ll share a little piece that one of my friends said years ago. He was talking about computer programming, but the intent is the same. “I do this because I want to do this, because I enjoy doing this. The fact you get to enjoy it is a minor side note.” Write for yourself, and only yourself, otherwise not all of you is in the writing, and that can cause burnout. Has with me through various projects.
Taking a break and relaxing is very important for productivity, actually. Why do you think successful companies (hi, Google) mandate/allow time off and time spent on other projects? Because they figure that employees will be happier, healthier, and more productive on the time they are working. So slow down, take a little break, and you just might write as much, and not stress so much.
All that said, I hope you get better, and take care.
James
Rest and recover.
I must echo Joanna, take all the time you need, and don’t forget, Em, you have many, many friends (and fans) who are more than happy to await your return.
I appreciate how you feel, not being a stranger to similar anxieties now and then. The only things I’ve found that help are re-training yourself to slow down, not a lot, just a bit (and yes, it’s incredibly hard to do when you first start), and meditiation. As far as the latter is concerned, I’m no guru, I just know that it works for me; I’m probably not even doing it right either!
Take it easy and I hope you’re restored to full health really soon.
Well! I don’t know about the others, but I’ve been sitting here drumming my fingers and thinking ‘where oh where is that Slacker Newman and when will she come back?’!
(interweb winky thing.)
So very sorry to hear you’ve been ill again – as Joanna says, the ‘notes to self’ will only get louder and more insistent, so take as much time off as you possibly can.
As you probably know (being a psychologist ‘n all) noticing patterns does help them to dissipate – so just keep on noticing. And writing about them here. And then perhaps they will vanish, all on their own.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you, but instead I’m beaming over big mugs of tea and sympathy and the very softest of tissues. Miss you Em – get better soon!
“I find it hard to relax. No, who am I kidding here? I don’t even know how. ” I’d like to offer my thoughts on this if I may?
I’m married to a doer. I spent the first couple of years of our marriage trying to get him to slow down, chill out, relax and do nothing… Eventually, I realised that it was pointless – all these things stress him out even more as he spends the time fretting about what he’s not doing.
We’ve come around to the fact that he is much better suited to ‘active relaxation’. There are particular activities he does which he finds relaxing. For him, these are running and cooking and he schedules time for one or other every day.
Might it be that you would suit active relaxation better than passive relaxation? If so, you just need to work out which activities relax you!
Get well soon!
Sorry to hear you’ve been ill! Don’t be so sure you are to blame for catching that bug. They are notoriously aggressive, and can flow through a community with lightning speed like the H1N1 virus did here last summer, hitting anyone and everyone that crossed its path. Your naturally ambitious self will return as soon as this organism is done chewing on you. The world can wait until then. Well wishes.
I’m so sorry you’ve been ill, Emma. I know it can take a toll not only physically, but emotionally, as well. I recently went through the same stressful dilemma. Not because I was ill, but just overwhelmed with so many things unrelated to writing. I even wrote a short poem about it on my blog called, A Writer’s Plight. http://www.theheartofwriting.blogspot.com
Reading the poem may not help you, except to let you know you are not alone. But if you have time, please read the comments. There are just a few, but I realized how much support there is in the writing community and how forgiving and encouraging my friends can be.
I am now getting back to my schedule and feeling pretty good about it. One thing I learned is, that I will surely feel that way again at some point and time. This time though, I will give myself permission to feel bad and then move on.
I know you can do that, too, Em. xoxo
You poor thing! You’ve been spreading yourself way too thin. For some reason we writers tend to do that. Of course we don’t mind if you take some time off. We miss your stories but waiting for them only makes us appreciate them more!
I’m a “do-er” too, and I find it almost impossible to relax at home. The solution is to go somewhere where the only things to do are relaxing. So we holiday in little tiny villages near beautiful national parks and walking trails. Walking is still “doing”, but is not in any way stressful. If you’re a “do-er”, the solution for stress relief is to do something different. Get out of the bad patterns.
Sure, Emma,
we did miss you! Those following you on Twitter sure had an idea why you had become that silent. Because of that we were patient – and sent out lots of good thoughts to you.
You are a doer, you are a creative person. As you say it yourself you are full of ideas and you are eager to give birth to them. It is what people like you do.
Obviously it is really a kind of common pattern how creatives and freelancers struggle with that, well, work-life balance. Tight schedules with deadlines lurking, an inner voice that reminds of additional stuff that should be done.
Should it? Maybe. Most important thing at that point is:
A healthy you is the basic capital of whatever you do!
You wrote that you feel like a CEO. I, for one, am sure that this image is perfectly right. So, why not act like a CEO?
There is nothing like a cure or a perfect remedy to each and everything you mentioned. But here is an idea, if I may:
Schedule times to take care of yourself.
Sounds weird? Good! I mean it.
Schedule times to take care of yourself. Schedule breaks and try to leave your desk. Schedule breaks and stick to them. Building rituals around them might help too.
Just an idea. A weird one. But seriously, what did you expect coming from this mind of mine? Think about it, Emma, and get well!
We adore you and will wait patiently until you can work your magic. We want you rested and well, because then we worry less about you & in return get your best work. Of course I want the sequel… but not nearly as bad as I want YOU happy. Take your time..we aren’t going anywhere!!
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been ill. Here’s lots of hugs for you. xx As others have said, we’ll be waiting patiently when you feel up to returning.
I think the idea to schedule some Em time is brilliant, especially since you’re a doer. Just saying.
Take all the time you need.
And here’s a nice cup of ginger tea, should help you feel better. c(_)
Sounds a lot like the nasty thing that laid me low last month. Take the time to take care of yourself. No one will begrudge you that. Hope you’re back to 100% real soon.
~jon
You have to have input to put out. I know that sounds dirty, but give yourself time to breathe. You deserve two days off a week.
Trim back your extraneous projects that don’t benefit you. If you’re serious about making a living at this, then treat it as a job. Do what is good for your company, and your mind will tell you with a strong vote.
It’s a garden. I told Jim this. Figure out what’s growing the strongest and nurture that. It’ll give you the best yield.
Good luck doll.