Lots of wonderful things have been going on lately, and amongst them have been a flurry of lovely fluffy awards, the kind of things we bloggers like to give to other bloggers to spread the love. Thanks to Sam, and Josie for their recent inclusions of me in theirs.
A little while ago I received an award that knocked me sideways. Not because of the award itself, which I’ll tell you about (and pass on to others) at the end of this post. It was because of the person awarding it; the gently amazing Jenny Alto. And why is Jenny amazing? Well, it’s because Jenny is transgendered.
Before a few weeks ago, I had no idea what that phrase really meant. It’s colloquially referred to as being a T-girl in Jenny’s community, and I understand this to mean that someone is biologically born as a male, but has the mind of a woman (and vice versa of course). Or rather, as I am trying to clumsily explain, someone who feels like a woman who has been accidentally born into the body of a man. Now that’s hard enough in and of itself, but Jenny happened to be born into the body of a man over six and half feet tall. Ouch.
I mentioned that this award knocked me sideways, and has been on my mind to write about for a long time. It’s a risk talking about gender dysphoria and transgender issues for several reasons. One is that I am not completely au fait with the language used by the community to describe themselves. Being part of several communities that have their own internally used labels and jargon (writer, geek, coder, psychologist – and those are for starters), I know how jarring it is when someone who doesn’t ‘get it’ tries to use jargon incorrectly. So if you’re reading this, Jenny and friends, forgive me if I make any mistakes.
It’s also risky because there are a lot of very conservative people out there, and they might get upset if I start talking about people for whom their internal gender doesn’t match their physical gender. I’m talking about gender identity here, not sexuality, in case I’m not being clear. But you know what? I’m willing to risk people getting upset, because I think we should talk about gender identity and roles a lot more, and more specifically, their portrayal in the media, literature and society as a whole. I also believe that the rather gorgeous people like you who regularly read my blog are likely to be more open-minded than most.
The question of identity
As I’ve been getting older, and struggling myself with the whole “You’re now a mother” thing in recent years, I’ve given up on traditional gender role after years of never quite fitting into mine. In my household, I earn the money, my husband is a full-time stay-at-home father and that works brilliantly. He is the only father at all of the toddler groups he goes to, and he copes. I myself would rather have root canal work than participate in that world. Sorry, but I just can’t do the Mummy social thing. Blimey, just the whole social thing is enough, let alone involving an identity that I struggle with!
Our lifestyle is unusual in the small town in which we live, but lots of people live this way around the world and we are hardly pioneers. But it goes deeper than that for me. I am not a girly girl, as I have explained before. My poor mother constantly tries to give me posh handbags that most women would do terrible things to own, but they do nothing for me. I own less pairs of shoes than my husband. I don’t care about the fact that I am going grey, and that my skin isn’t as youthful as it once was.
Perhaps all of these make me think that gender identity isn’t just about being male or female, but rather should be on some kind of horribly complex multi-dimensional sliding scale. On the “owning shoes” scale, for example, I am definitely towards the masculine end.
Ah… hang on a minute – what I’m saying here is that I don’t fit into what the media wants me to be like as a woman. It wants me to obsess about losing weight, be a domestic goddess in the kitchen and tiger in the bedroom, to not speak up too much, to be a terrible driver, hopeless at navigating and love anything to do with beauty, hair care, “pampering myself” (shudder) and inevitably, children. I can start my own business, but of course, that makes me a “mumpreneur” now. Just that word alone makes me want to take a sledgehammer to something brittle.
I take your gender stereotyping for women in their early thirties and throw it back in your face, you horrible multi-headed beast of adverts, packaging and mainstream media. And don’t even get me started on films. I want more Ripley’s and Princess Leia’s please. Not adaptations of crummy books with flakey teenage girls who can’t function unless a certain sparkly fellow is staring at her like a stalker. Oh that’s healthy. It makes me furious when people like Jordan are marketed as role models for girls. Honestly, it’s like feminism never happened.
The Beautiful Blogger Award
Beautiful Blogger Award
Where was I? Ah, yes, the beautiful blogger award. Another reason why this particular award thrilled me was that it crosses community boundaries. In the age of the internet, we lucky souls are able to go online and actively seek out people with the same interests / quirks / obsessions as us. In the past, I might have been lucky to have friendships with one or two other writers living near me. Now, I am connected to a worldwide community of writers, and life has never been so good.
It’s the same for Jenny, now she is part of an amazing, supportive community of other bloggers (did I mention that I love the blogosphere?) after years of struggling with gender dysphoria in isolation. But I am not in that community. Jenny found me by other means, and that’s what makes me excited about this; by giving me this award, she is giving me the opportunity to learn more about her community, her world, and talk about it here.
Why does that excite me so much? Well, I may be a hare-brained, naive liberal, but I do believe that if we learn more about each other’s communities, there are fewer shadowy corners of ignorance in which bigotry, intolerance and discrimination like to breed. And heaven knows there are enough of those in the world. For me, Jenny is a light-bringer; someone who adds something bright to the world, rather than making it worse. So I thank you Jenny, I am humbled and honoured to be though of as beautiful by you.
Okay, ranting and arm waving over and on to the award: I get to pick seven people who I consider to be beautiful bloggers.
In my humble opinion, you are some of the most beautiful people I have had the privilege of meeting online. That is all.
Enjoyed the post very much, and congrats on the award. Very well deserved.
Although I did stay home and raise the kids while hubby worked, there were many ways I did not fit into the typical Mommy role. And my hubby and I didn’t stick to strict “his” and “hers” jobs at home, either. I would often be out working in the yard while he did dishes and bathed kids. Some of the neighbors raised an eyebrow or two at that, but we didn’t care.
Absolutely beautiful rant! Bravo!
Congrats on your award and to the list of bloggers you’ve passed it on to as well!
I have a good friend who is a F to M Transgender, and he really opened my eyes to a lot of things, too. And I’m with you about that whole social role pressure thing. I have my own business and have completed three novels, but all anyone seems to care about is when I’m going to have babies! So, go you, and I heartily agree with the award. Congratulations to all of you!
Cecilia
Excellent and well-spoken. I’m no girly-girl, either, and I have exactly 4 pairs of shoes, if you count house slippers and flip-flops.
And don’t get me started on the advertising media prescribed image thing… at the risk of sounding like a conspiracy geek, that’s all just a bunch of mind control. Bah. Just be exactly who you are.
Congratulations to all you Beautiful Blog Award winners, too. Here’s to being your own beautiful selves. Rock on.
It is so nice to know somebody like you because you can put into words everything one always wanted to say. I so know what it means not to be a “normal” woman. I don’t do pink, romances, make-up, pampering, fashion, high heels… and countless more examples of “typical” womanhood. Whenever hubby and I compare I find myself very much on the masculine end. And men who find themselves a woman in the wrong body and manage to become a woman totally need all the acknowledgement and support they can get because they are amongst the bravest people on this planet.
I think you are much stronger than you let on, on the inside at least.
XX
Hear, hear! Excellently said!
Congratulations on your award; you ARE a wonderful beautiful blogger, as well as an awesome human being.
xx
You deserve it, completely. I said back then “She’s a good friend of mine whose blog I follow, if I could write an n’th as well as her I’d be very happy indeed.” and I meant it then as much as I do now. I in turn will now read what your beautiful people have to say, and be entertained by their writing too.
Wow. I’m lost for words, but not so much that I can’t say Thank you. I’m blown away by you giving this to me, and you deserve yours.
I am familiar with gender dysphoria and transgender, and there is nothing you said here that jarred. I also notice your recognition that transgender is distinct from not fitting into societal gender stereotyping
As for said stereotyping, I really must break in my Doc Martens properly
Once again, my humble thanks.
Nice one, Em. The more people who talk about TG issues, the sooner all those millions of people (probably hundreds of millions if you include transvestites) can come out, and enjoy some of the privileges everyone else does – like going to the pub dressed the way they feel most comfortable, or going shopping for one of those handbags you don’t want.
Somehow, when women’s lib and gay rights became big issues in the late sixties and early seventies, TG issues got left out. It’s definitely time we changed that. Only yesterday I heard about a school prom in Michigan that had been cancelled rather than let a girl attend in a tux with her girlfriend. Obviously in the USA you have the right to own and carry lethal weapons but not to dress how you want or date who you want or be who you are!
We live among very sad, petty, small-minded people. We need to keep resisting their attepts to crush the human spirit and compel conformity. In fact, the UN should run an international Cross-Dressing Day – if only to upset school boards in Michigan.
Bravo! Bravo! A thousand times, bravo!
Em, you have just made my week, thank you! To be thought of as beautiful by one of the most beautiful people I know, is such an honour … as is being included in such a wonderful list of people!
And to have my name on such an awesome post makes my heart sing and my spirit soar! I have always believed we should never tolerate difference, we should celebrate it. We have much to learn from those who see things differently and if we could all find it in our hearts to just live and let live, the world really would be a better place for us all.
As for the gender stereotypes/constructs/social expectations/the thoroughly irresponsible and cruel media … oh! I can’t get started on that here, I’ll end up ranting for ages! Suffice to say, reading your post made me cheer. A lot!
Yay! Congratulations, beautiful friend, on your much-deserved award. Thank you to Jenny for inspiring this wonderful post and to your lovely readers for their congratulations comments. I am going to bed with a huge smile and warm fuzzies and am really looking forward to passing on this beautiful award and feelgoods in the morning. x
PS I love that my hair is going grey, I’m really excited to see what kind of grey it goes! :O)
Hey, my name is on here too. Thanks Emma!
But this was a full-on, “I will not apologize for who I am and neither should anyone else,” Emma post today, and I like it.
There really is a very complex sliding scale of gender. America can be alternately fascist and forgiving about that. I hope it will get better as open minded young people replace those who can’t wrap their minds around it.
Thanks again!
Oh, and I’m so glad to have the link to all these other people, including your readers in the comment section!
Brilliant post. Never worry about pissing people off my talking about transgender issues. The people who object to the discussion of transgender issues are, sadly, the people who need to hear it the most.
Absolutely brilliant post. I’ve always loathed stereotyping of any kind (probably because my father was an expert at it), so best not get me started.
I’d love to say that I’m also a hare-brained, naive liberal (but that would be stereotyping, too, so I won’t) and in any case I don’t think you are one. What I will say is that we certainly need very much more tolerance and compassion in the world.
Well done Em for speaking your mind and I’m delighted to see all the positive reactions of other readers and commenters.
Congratulations on the awards, too! Totally deserved.
Oh – and about handbags – I only possess one, and it cost me £15 from a street market.
Excellent post. I think that as a community at large, we need to challenge all stereotypes and embrace diversity. To hell with preconceived ideas. Glad I’m not alone on the mom-social thing. Would rather stock forks in my eyes. Thank you for your honesty and for the awards. ; )
Gosh – I feel utterly honoured to be on your list Em after such a wonderful blog post.
I will keep it short and sweet as I’m under the weather – but I knew we had more things in common… the colour of poo conversation I always equated to the single woman’s shoes and matching handbags conversation (tic tic!) I feel deeply honoured to have been part of a woman’s group who weren’t interested in those kinds of discussions – but dug under the surface and then a whole like deeper to discuss the issues facing women once they became Mums. There wasn’t a yummy mummy insight – now if that isn’t the ultimate slap in your face after you’ve had a huge indentity upheaval.
But yeah – though I would keep this short and sweet. I will see if I can dig up a doco section from a show last week on TV here about transgender people.
Thanks again Em, hugs love and brimming tea cups to you xxx
Oh, what a beautiful rant, Em! I am so on board with your thoughts about this. I get so upset at how people who are different from what we believe to be the ‘right way’ to be, are thrown aside and treated like they are freaks. 90% of my family are hard fast conservatives and balk at me constantly because I am one of those “liberals.” Personally, I don’t think I am conservative or liberal. I like to have the freedom to believe what I believe and not have to hide it away. All is right with the world if people act, believe, and think as a conservative, but if you don’t agree with them, you are broken somehow….ugh!.So frustrating!
Bravo to you and Bravo to you your friend, Jenny. Oh, and congratulations on you Beautiful Award. You deserve it.
Great rant, struggling to fit into gender stereotypes can be infuriating and it’s nice to see people mention that it’s entirely unnecessary.
I used to work selling toys in a retail store a few years ago and I remember seeing a little boy, about 5 years old, begging his grandmother to buy him a Barbie doll. She explained to him that if she bought him another Barbie doll his parents would be furious and throw it out again. Then she tried to convince him to get a toy car or at least a G. I. Joe doll. He looked so crushed. It’s for little boys like him that we should keep talking about these issues.
Congrats on the award as well.
“I remember seeing a little boy, about 5 years old, begging his grandmother to buy him a Barbie doll. She explained to him that if she bought him another Barbie doll his parents would be furious and throw it out again. ”
Reading that makes me so sad, such experiences are commonly related in the transgendered sphere. Because parents of trans kids would seem to prefer that their children grow up into a life of suicidal depression, marriage failure and worse, than acknowledge that they are transgendered. At least I was lucky enough to (a)have sisters and (b)like playing with boy’s toys as well as girl’s toys. I hope by now that kid has found herself.
Fortunately not everyone gets it so wrong, for example:
http://dstevens11.wordpress.com/
Bravo Em, bravo!
Thank you most sincerely for writing this post. I agree totally with other commenters, and your good self, who say we ought to challenge stereotypes (of all sorts) – I do wonder sometimes just how many of us do accurately reflect such stereotypes anyhow?
I too am a stay-at-home dad, albeit enforced after an accident, but that has given me the opportunity to spend time with my daughter which I wouldn’t have missed for the world; you can tell your hubby that I have also been the only father at the mother-and-toddler group and know just how that feels!
I don’t conform to the pigeonholes people try to put me in, never have I suppose, as far as I’m concerned I am me, and I have enough problems to contend with without worrying about which group I’m supposed to be in. Sorry, who’s rant was this anyway?
Thank you so much for the award. I am honoured and humbled that you included me in your list of beautiful bloggers. I would have commented sooner, but news of the award completely blew me away this morning.
And if anyone deserves the beautiful blogger award more than you do, I don’t know who they are!
Wow, thank you so much Emma
I don’t get shoes either
Emma, I found the link on a biological anomaly known as “intersex”. Your heart goes out to “Zoe” who over the space of three months spontaneously became a woman when his hormonal system did a complete back flip.
http://hungrybeast.abc.net.au/stories/intersex
It makes you question are we who we are because of our gender(social construct) or our biology?
I am left speechless by the sheer wonderfulness of you all. To think I was worried about being ‘slightly controversial’ by talking about these issues. I have learnt my lesson, and want to give each and every one of you an extraordinarily big hug.
@Graham – I am in love with the idea of an international cross dressing day. And the comment about the right to bear arms… well it just sums up the madness perfectly.
You are all fantastic. Hooray!
See Em, you are one of the beautiful people, do you believe us all now?
Funnily enough I had a similar rant about the tyrany of the mother and toddler group from a friend last week. You’re not alone on that front either.