I wanted that right at the top, just to remove any doubts. I’ve been hiding away from the blog for a few days, and online in general actually. I need to focus on the real world business and well, in all honesty the reactions to the last post were quite a surprise and I needed to process that for a while.
I’ve been a bit thinly spread lately, and the blog has suffered as a result. It’s still suffering, I haven’t been inspired over the last week and so I thought I’d post up something I wrote as an entry into a competition over at the Query Tracker blog (which is really very good.) I didn’t win, but I had a lot of fun writing my version of the worst query letter ever. Enjoy.
Dear Agent,
Forget all the other manuscripts on your desk right now – here is the only one you need to read this year! Seriously, I’ve done my homework and written the best romantic novel since the Daa Vinci Code for British lovers of cosy mysteries between the ages of 7 and 70!
You may thing that I’m making a bold claim there, but in order to PROVE to you that this one is a WINNER, I’ve taken the liberty of carrying out preliminary market testing by asking people attending a local car boot sale, a cheese and wine evening and a local pet beauty pageant (note the wide range of people and interests) to read the first three chapters and selected passages from the book, in return for a free ice lolly and a mention in the acknowledgements (please find the acknowledgements page attached in a .php file that you will need to save on your computer and open through a browser). Here are some of the comments:
“I like the font,” Mrs Peppington, 65.
“What a beautiful dog, I’m so glad there’s a dog in the story, there aren’t enough dogs in books these days.” Mr Andrews, 69 (retired army colonel and author of ‘The Shepton Mallet Regiment’s history, 1919-1949’ which is a rip-roaring read apparently).
“I don’t need an ice lolly to tell you that is really is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read,” (he meant ‘bizarre’ in a good way, like ‘cutting-edge’ and ‘revolutionary’) Dave, 36.
So as you can see, my book has WIDE APPEAL and you can be sure that I would be a fantastic author to represent. Surely there is no need to further persuade you of my enthusiasm, proactive efforts to get my book off to a flying start and my astonishing command of the Queen’s English? May I also add that my brother-in-law is a peer of the realm and that I won the Tunbridge Wells short story contest at the age of ten out of over twenty entrants! I have also attached that story, and a scan of the prize certificate to this e-letter submission, to demonstrate the development of my raw talent.
I also sent the manuscript to JK Rowling, who has instructed her solicitor to keep me 100 metres away from her at all times – so stunned was she by the magnitude of my writing talent. She’s obviously without the sheer guts to face up to a world where she, and that ghastly Harry Potter will soon be subsumed by Doris Lannister, the heroine of my novel. Dan Brown has also issued a writ against me, citing grounds of personal safety after reading the manuscript. Can you not see what a storm it will create!?!?!?
So, Mr (or Ms) Agent, if you have the GUTS to take on such a CREATIVE FORCE as myself, and the SHEER COURAGE to make your fortune in this media obsessed world in which we live (as we will both be household names and need to be able to cope with the paparazzi and constant media hounding), contact me on the details also attached to this e-form, but only on Monday mornings as I am too busy creating the 10th book in the series to answer the phone at other times. (Yes! A TEN BOOK SERIES!)
Regards etc etc,
EJC “dazzling talent” Jones.
It was so cathartic writing that entry – if you are stuggling with the dreaded submissions process I heartily recommend doing this. There seem to be so many rules about the perfect query letter these days, that writing one to deliberately break those rules was a joy. Any one got any other suggestions for keeping sane during submissions time?
“EJC” ? A British title or something?
Anyway, what a fun surprise this morning. Thanks for the laugh. I’m not a writer and so don’t have submission letters to write, but I do detest “rules” and so can relate.
Also, I still have a couple of prize certificates lying around myself. Maybe they will come in handy someday!
Diana’s last blog post..I’m dreaming of a blank canvas
Emma,
you have me grinning all over – I especially liked that sentence about Mr Andrews, retired army colonel!
@Diana – I’m glad it made you laugh. EJC isn’t a title – I put it in to make him sound self-important.
@Ulla – Thank you
) So glad you found it funny!