What everyone else has said – plus I’m sitting here in my ‘Oh God why won’t the world just GO AWAY’ t-shirt right now. So yes, I get scared, too.

But …

“Just a sad excuse of a human being.” – No, you’re not.
“Real life is just too damn hard” – Yes, it is.

Real-life heroes aren’t knights in shining armour (or even Trekkie jumpsuits!) but plodders. Plodders who keep going when they’re up to their necks in mud, blood, guts, vampires and demons.

Just as you’re doing now.

Right now, though, your real demon is the ‘flu – a tangible demon which saps your will, energy, and all your inner warmth and cheer and makes everything seem fifty times worse than it actually IS – so use all your available weapons to fight that. (Always best done, I’ve found, by cowering under the duvet when you can.)

Your clients, readers and your friends will understand and WILL all be there waiting for you when you get back. (Won’t we, folks?)

For the future …

“It’s the silent demons that are impossible to fight”. Yes, they are impossible to FIGHT, which is why many philosophies tell us that it’s usually easier to learn to recognise them, name them and accept them as part of the story of ‘Life of Emma’ and shrug (“ah, there goes old Inner Demon again”) rather than try to vanquish them. But that, perhaps, is for another day.

Vanquish the ‘flu, first.

Love and hugs xxx

@Smoph – It’s good to know that I’m not the only one – and remembering that doing things despite the anxiety is an achievement in and of itself is so hard, but I will try!

@Ryan – I love your words! For shame that my inner self doesn’t value breadwinning on the same level as zombie fighting! Thank you x

@Diandra – Hello You’re absolutely right about how it feels – and that most of the time the fears are unfounded. What drives me mad is that the fearful bit of my brain is so unscientific! It simply won’t take the evidence on board and revise its hypothesis accordingly. Grrr!

@Tony – ah yes, those evil twins: fear of success and fear of failure. I’m sure Kipling had something wise to say about that…

@Dom – You know, I have asked myself this very same question. What exactly do I need to do to prove that I am capable? Trouble is, little demons undermine those past achievements so the currency loses its value before it can buy some confidence. I went through this in my last job and calculated that I needed to write 150 press releases and have clients sign them off with glowing praises before I started to believe I could write them well. Now I am approaching 300 and that anxiety is weakened.

I have faced huge generalised anxiety many times – perhaps I just haven’t faced it 150 times in quick succession? Perhaps that bit of my brain is just ignoring the counter. (shrug) I love the image of those bookshelves by the way. And yes, I am sure my view of the world is very skewed by all these heroes and villains that I carry round in my head!

@Graham – Your comment made a hundred thousand lightbulbs blink on in my head! It makes a huge amount of sense – and also explains why I just find some aspects of life so damn hard. I know exactly what you mean about business people and the world they inhabit – and having to interact with many of them makes me feel stressed and drained. No wonder I felt such relief when I entered teaching – none of the same expectations, and the rewards for intelligence and sensitivity were obvious.

And what parallels we have! I studied Psychology and taught it for several years, I too specialised in usability for a time and well, the writer bit goes without saying. It fascinates me that the reason these feel so much more comfortable could be because of this insight you give.

A note to everyone else; Graham’s explanation may seem rather extreme, but in psychology dimensions of personality are often discussed in terms of spectrums between two opposing characteristics. When only one is discussed, it can seem over simplified, but when you consider how many possible scales can be measured, and how a person can be mapped in a different pattern to everyone else, it can be more representative. It’s far from perfect, but can be so helpful in understanding people and the differences between them. Now I’m worrying about being patronising so I’ll move on!

@Keely – thank you, not only for the sympathy but also for letting me know that it is helping. I’m realising that if this blog is to be as alive as I am, I have to bring all of me to the page, not just the happy excited bits. It is scary though!

@Steve – you darling man, thank you xx

@Christine – yes, you’re right, and who knows, I may be in exactly the same place as those heroes right now. Maybe at some point in the future, I’ll look back on this time and smile secretly to myself, knowing how small and fearful I used to be. Hmmm, that’s a nice fantasy!

@Amy – I have a wonderful image of thousands of blanket forts covering the land, delicious! I wonder if the world would be better if we just admitted how scared we were a bit more often. I can’t imagine that happening though. In safe places like right here, I think it’s a good thing.

@Reuben – Blu!

@Gerry – It’s amazing what a bout of illness can do isn’t it? I hope you’re well on the road to recovery now. And yes, the moving forward is so important.

@Iapetus999 – Rah! I *love* what you say! What better way to look at this than a gift? If I blustered through life without a care, I do think my writing would suffer. When I think of all the crazy, scared, messed up characters that have found the light of day through the short story club alone, I see that you’re right! And thank you for your compliment. I feel all warm and squishy now!

@Sam – Maybe that’s why we’ve been drawn to each other – and everyone else here for that matter. Us sensitive souls need each other! x

You’re talking about fear and anxiety like they’re the enemies, that they’re the things holding you back.

You’re wrong.

They’re the only things that are making you a writer.

You’re looking like handicaps, when they’re really your foundation. You take them away, and you don’t care anymore. Might as well shoot up at this point. You’d be as free as a junkie.

Listen, you’re one of the best pre-published writers I’ve come across. This is no accident. You’re a person who sees danger around each corner, asks, “what if,” and knows how to write about it. This is your edge. This is what makes you special.

Yeah, it sucks to be this way, but if it’s calling you to write, then write you shall. It’s the only way you’re going to work your way out of this predicament. Write about these fears, these anxieties, make them show up on the page. Make your characters face them, those inner anxieties that no one could possibly explain. Then see what happens.

I tend to internalise, but I also generally still move forward, not necessarily in the best state. All I know is that success or non-success, the moving forward, as frightening as it can be, is the only way to grow.

Having a lousy flu doesn’t help one bit! I too, am struggling with health, including hospitalisation, and it has had quite an impact on my priorities etc. But looking back, I realise that my health, in itself, is an incredible priority.

Hope you get well soon!

Gerry

It helps just knowing that it’s not only you or me, we’re not crazy or weird or pathetic, we’re human and surrounded by other blanket-forts with other people huddling inside, wishing they could find their way out to shine.